WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT TEMPEH/TOFU/SEITAN

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Tempeh.  Tofu.  Seitan.  The Monster hates them.  He doesn’t want fermented soy.  He doesn’t need coagulated soy milk.  Insoluble gluten does not excite him.  The little bits of tofu polluting hot and sour soup always lives a lonely life at the bottom of the bowl when The Monster eats Chinese.  Never will The Monster order tofu sushi.  That just doesn’t make sense.  Let’s not even begin to discuss stinky tofu.  Will not consume a tempeh and quinoa bowl.  Ever.  Seitan or is it satan?

The Monster has been to BCD Tofu House.  He got chicken teriyaki.  For you 2,857 people who like tempeh on Facebook the question is why? Why have you joined the seitanic cult?

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You want to eat this?  Really?  Are you sure?

It’s great and all that veggies and vegans can have fake meat.  But why they want it is beyond The Monster’s ability to grasp.  It’s also awesome that they live longer than meat eaters.  But if living longer means having tofu sausage and seitan stew count this guy out.

The Monster misses beef ribs.  He rather enjoyed them (shout out to JP’s in Columbus) back when he was a kid.  Here is what he doesn’t do.  He doesn’t try to simulate the taste of beef ribs with tempeh, tofu or seitan.  The Monster loves crab.  Don’t think these alternatives will ever taste as wonderful.  Duck is awesome.  Fake duck not so awesome.  No one is making tempeh fat fries.

Now, this is not an anti-veggie/vegan diatribe.  Good on those who choose to live their life in this manner.  The Monster (who is a crazily weird eater) respects people and their choices when it comes to food.

So long as they don’t choose to eat tempeh/tofu/seitan.

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Filed under Seitan, Tempeh, Tofu, Why The Monster Does(n't) Eat...

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