WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT SEA CUCUMBERS

This one is too obvious.  But perhaps you have never had the distinct displeasure of being served sea cucumbers and then consider this a PSA from your friend The Monster.

The Monster doesn’t expect much flak from the revelation that sea cucumbers are wholly filthy, disgusting, used-snot-rag-found-on-the-side-of-the-highway gross.

Let’s start with sea cucumbers are not a vegetable.  They are not related to cucumbers.  Cucumbers are pretty delicious and they transform into pickles which are undubitably awesome.  The misnomer in naming this atrocity of taste is surely to dupe the misinformed into consuming what can only be described as cruel and unusual punishment on a plate.

From Wikipedia comes this lovely description of just what a sea cucumber is: “A marine animal with a leathery skin and an elongated body containing a single, branched gonad.”  Tasty treat indeed!

It gets better.  The sea cucumber’s diet consists of feces and the bodies of dead animals.  Yummy.  The male sea cucumber has been known to release sperm into the ocean in order to reproduce.

Recap.  Eats poop.  Eats death.  Ejaculates without mercy.*

So, where might one encounter sea cucumbers?  At your favorite dim sum joint for one.  But don’t be the rube thinking you’re getting your daily intake of leafy greens when you spy it on a menu.  Because when that scary plate of gonad arrives you will surely not want to dive in.

Heading to San Gabriel Valley perhaps?  Encounter you will an infestation of these vile beasts.  Abstain friends.  Abstain.

So there you have it.  The Monster will never partake in the putridness otherwise know as sea cucumbers.

* Ok, fine.  Props to the sea cucumber.

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