The Monster has never had a cup of coffee. Not once. No Turkish coffee or lattes or macchiatos or straight black. Never. Starbucks is lost on The Monster. He doesn’t take a coffee break at work. When meeting someone for “coffee” to The Monster that means water with lemon. Maybe decaffeinated tea on a rare and randy occasion.
And yet, The Monster loves coffee ice cream. He enjoys the smell of a fresh brewed pot of java. He comes from a family of coffee drinkers. And so it begs the question, why doesn’t The Monster drink coffee?
And the answer is he has absolutely no idea.
High school flew by without drinking a cup. Late nights and early mornings in college with nary a taste. First job and he passed by the pot. But this was not a conscience decision on The Monster’s part. This is just the way it was.
At some juncture the idea of never having had a cup of coffee became a point of pride. Kind of like the fact The Monster has never seen Titanic. It’s fun to say. Both seem to rankle people as if it is wholly un-American not to start your day with Folgers in your cup or watch Leo be king of the world. The Monster gets it, you love your coffee and the boat sinks.
The feeling is the kitchen is already cluttered enough with the Cuisinart that never gets used, the nice set of knives that are for decoration only lest they need sharpening and the magic bullet which makes delicious fruit smoothies that there is no room for a coffee pot. No need for caffeine when one feels naturally caffeinated. And restaurant tabs are just a little bit less expensive without the nine dollar shot of espresso to cap the meal.
For those of you who bow down to the bean, enjoy your coffee and know The Monster won’t be joining you.