The Monster’s grandmother Lee Blumenthal was the kind of improbable success story that television movies were once based on (when they made television movies). A German Jew, she lost most of her family to the holocaust and arrived in America not knowing a word of English. Taking a factory job, she refused to leave the floor for lunch breaks or even to go the bathroom for fear of losing her employment. Her foreman told her (with a smile) if she did not take breaks she would be fired.
She ended up teaching herself English at night, sending herself to and graduating from Northwestern before owning and running a successful furniture business after her husband’s untimely death. Along the way she raised two successful children one of which is Mama Monster. With all of her accomplishments, Lee Blumenthal could not cook and anything she tried to make (undubitably boiled in a bag or dethawed from the freezer) you could be sure would provide you with new levels of tastelessness. And that was on a good day. The Monster started thinking about her as he travels on Lufthansa Airlines. The flagship air carrier of Germany. And for one evening, the home of The Monster’s dinner.
On the twelve hour haul from Frankfurt to Los Angeles, The Monster is looking forward to flying Lufthansa. He has read about their new planes. The basket of cookies and pretzels and drinks they leave out. The spacious legroom. The wide variety of entertainment options. The friendly attendants.
But it is an old plane. There is no basket for passenger’s perusal. Even The Monster’s frame is hardpressed to be comfortable. There is no entertainment save the stern mother whose mere glance at her baby silences his cries. But the attendants are friendly. And the wine is free.
Now, by the time the friendly attendant reaches The Monster he hears her tell someone they have run out of chicken so the only option is the beef ghoulash. The very words beef ghoulash are enough to raise the hackles of The Monster.
So here is what The Monster consumes:
1) Two hard rolls
2) Two dry salads (as due to the dressing being the filthy Thousand Island varietal) composed of shredded carrot, old lettuce
3) Dry cake
The Monster loves his grandmother, may she rest in peace and serve boiled soup in a bag and a piece of freezer-burned Sara Lee cheesecake when we meet again. As for Lufthansa…
Monster rating: -25/5 das monstrums
Why go? You have to get home somehow.