The Monster loves eating out. It’s a pilgrimage with the hopes of great food and service united by wonderful company and conversation. And yet, these dreams are often dashed by restaurants that forget it is the customer who is king. So what are some of the worst complaints about restaurants? Here’s a sampling. If you have others, please chime in!
Estimated wait time is thirty-three minutes
Like all airlines, the DMV and the 800 number for cell phone companies, restaurants that make you wait an inordinate amount of time don’t deserve patronage. If you book an 8pm reservation the expectation is you will be seated at that time. Fifteen minute wait on a busy night, understandable. Half hour wait and they buy you a drink, fine. Anything past that is egregious and the sign of mismanagement and an establishment that cares more for the underlying dollar than pleasing its patrons.
Traipsing through the Sahara
When a water glass goes empty it best be refilled. Nothing upsets The Monster more than an empty water glass. The Monster rarely tips less than 20 percent. The reason why he will? Water. While not a waiter’s job per se at certain establishments, a thirsty Monster is an unhappy Monster. If it was a glass of wine or a cocktail and there were dollar signs attributed to it be sure it would never be empty.
A lovely view of the commode
Bathrooms should be out of sight and discreetly positioned. If a restaurant seats The Monster by the bathroom he’s an unhappy camper. Who wants to be reminded of other guests and their business while diving into a meal? Oh, look honey! That sweaty guy is going to the bathroom again! He must really be feeling it!!
Brrrrr, it’s hot in here
You enter and it’s a sauna and The Monster sweats his way through dinner or conversely a meat locker where Mrs. Monster is shivering and you wish you brought the parka. There is an Indian restaurant The Monster likes he will no longer frequent because it is 179 degrees inside.
The light’s so bright you gotta wear shades
Hospital operating room lights where you want to yell out, scalpel! If The Monster wants to eat at a cafeteria he’d go to one. He doesn’t. Nor do you. Get a dimmer switch and use it.
Get your filthy mutts off my silverware
If you’re a server don’t touch The Monster’s silverware. You can do that when the meal is over. Never before. If The Monster needed you to reposition his silverware he’d be in a high chair and eating Gerbers. He’s not. At least not in public.
A menu should be handed to a patron, never placed on top of plates or silverware. Restaurants rarely clean menus and they are filthy germ carrying bombs. Would you lick the remote control in a hotel room? Would you rub yourself up against the walls of a bathroom at a rest stop? Do fraternity houses seem like healthy places to live? Of course not. So get your disease ridden menu off the place where The Monster will be enjoying his meal.
There are so many more ways restaurants can ruin a night out. Rude waitstaff, overly crowded rooms, one shared bathroom, being out of menu items, nickel and diming the customer (You charge for bread? Bite me. You charge for water? Eat me.), horrible valet service and the list goes on and on…