WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT FROZEN YOGURT…

The Monster hates frozen yogurt. And the reason The Monster hates frozen yogurt is because of Mama Monster and Mrs. Monster (at this point The Monster would like to make clear he does however love both dearly).

Mind you, The Monster doesn’t necessarily hate the taste of frozen yogurt with the same fervent passion of say a mushroom or olive (he does hate Pinkberry which he took one spoonful of and is sure is the work of the devil) as much as he hates the process behind which Mama and Mrs. Monster eat yogurt together.

When Mama Monster comes to town this is the typical spiel… We’ll all hop in the car to start our day and pass by a frozen yogurt shop. It may be Menchie’s or Yogurtland or Pinkberry or Bigg Chill or Penguin’s or Red Mango or Toppings or (no man should really know the names of this many frozen yogurt shops) Cantaloop or Dingleberry. The Monster knows that both Mama and Mrs. Monster have a Spidey sense when it comes to any and all yogurt locations and never will one be passed without stopping.

And so it begins. Every flavor must be sampled. And then there will be conversation on every flavor. As if the nuances of Pinkberry Original is on par with say, a Grand Cru. Then there will be deliberation as to which flavor to get. And just when The Monster thinks we’re ready to leave…toppings. Do you get the mochi or the chocolate nibs or the kiwi?

This would be okay (The Monster surely has his own quirks) if half an hour later it weren’t repeated. One frozen yogurt is hardly even done before the next is purchased. Well, before the next ten flavors are sampled, the conversation is repeated, the toppings are chosen, and then the yogurt is eaten.

How many times in a day (four apparently) can one eat frozen yogurt? And why is it that every frozen yogurt store must be in a location where parking is impossible? Why does one want to eat something with live and active cultures in it like s. thermophilus, l. bulgaricus, l. acidophilus? The Monster has no clue what that even means but it’s on Pinkberry’s website and it just sounds unbelievably filthy.

Luckily, after The Monster watches them devour yogurt he gets to spend much of the rest of the day watching Mama and Mrs. Monster…

Try on shoes!

The wedges or the strappy ones? This color pink or this color pink? The knee-high boots or the zip-ups? How about this pink or this pink?

The Monster wasn’t aware that frozen yogurt had become its own food group. The Monster will eat no frozen yogurt.

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