At holy-hell in the night we were woken by an irascible old Israeli man and his young grandson. Wearing Umbro’s and a t-shirt and sliding into Teva’s The Monster left the warmth of his room for the chill night air of the Israeli desert.
At this point we were given our marching orders. By the six year old grandson. Because only he spoke halting English. There were TEN THOUSAND six week old baby chickens in the coop in front of us. Our job, that is the six of us, was to move FIVE THOUSAND of them to an adjoining coop. And by adjoining he meant fifty meters away. If we didn’t succeed in this task, the chickens would get too large and suffocate within their coop. This would surely lead to the death knell of the kibbutz. The death knell in fact of Israel. No, in fact we were assured the whole of the world’s fate rested in our hands. So moving some chickens was of paramount importance. Having grown up in suburban Ohio The Monster had never been in a chicken coop. He’d never worked on a farm. His entire oeuvre with chickens consisted of ordering the spicy sandwich at Wendy’s.
So, when The Monster first walked into the coop he was flabbergasted to find:
1) THERE WERE SO MANY F-ING CHICKENS! IT WAS LIKE A CHICKEN APOCALYPSE! WEIRD AND TERRIBLE CHICKEN NOISES AND HORRID CHICKEN SMELLS AND CHICKENS SCRATCHING AND CLAWING AT THE MONSTER! HELP!!!
Because believe it or not the chickens do not want us there. They do not want to be touched or moved or listen to how they must be brought to the other coop or the world will end. The Monster knows this because he had many conversations with them and they failed to listen.
2) CHICKEN COOPS ARE SO F-ING HOT IT’S DISGUSTING AND THE CEILINGS ARE SO LOW AND THERE IS SO LITTLE LIGHT IT’S LIKE LIVING IN CHICKEN HELL! HELP!!!
Because believe it or not these are the conditions young chickens need, not young men who just wanted to have some fun but now found themselves as professional chicken herders.
3) PICKING UP CHICKEN BY THEIR FEET AND MOVING TEN AT A TIME IS IMPOSSIBLE UNLESS YOU HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE OR ARE A SUPERHERO CALLED CHICKEN MAN WHO HAS THE POWERS OF CHICKEN WHISPERERING. HELP!!!
Because believe it or not the old crank and his grandson could pick up five chickens in each hand and casually walk them across the freezing desert to the other coop. The Monster and his friends could perhaps get two to three chickens wedged between our chests and arms and helplessly scream as they clawed and pecked at us.
4) MOVING CHICKENS FROM AN INSANELY HOT COOP ACROSS THE FREEZING DESERT NIGHT TO ANOTHER COOP SEEMINGLY ON THE MOON ISN’T POSSIBLE SO THE CHICKENS INVARIABLY GET AWAY AND THEN THE MEAN OLD MAN AND THE MEAN YOUNG KID YELLS AT YOU IN HEBREW WHICH YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. HELP!!!
Because believe it or not they think this is so easy and don’t understand how The Monster could be so inept. And they don’t get how The Monster doesn’t speak Hebrew. How could more chickens escape The Monster’s grasp than actually make their way into the next coop? Their exacerbation was palpable as they swore at The Monster in Hebrew.
Well you know what old man, while The Monster might not be able to move chickens he surely has other highly valued skills like being able to order a spicy chicken sandwich at Wendy’s! Sometimes The Monster even orders two of them.